


Conditional Love

by ebbj9891



Series: In Quest Of Something [30]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Established Relationship, Family Dynamics, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, POV Justin Taylor, Parent-Child Relationship, Post-Series, Relationship Issues, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 09:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4132351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebbj9891/pseuds/ebbj9891
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During an important family meeting about the so-called 'Gus and J.R. situation', the subject of unconditional love arises, which causes some controversy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conditional Love

“What are you working on?”

Justin smiles as Brian leans over him and nuzzles his shoulder whilst peering at his sketchbook. He angles it towards Brian and explains, “I thought the light looked nice, the way it’s coming through the window. See?”

Brian hums and bites down on Justin’s shoulder. “Why are you sketching _that_ when you could be sketching _me?”_

Chuckling, Justin teases, “You’re too clothed for my liking.”

“Well, why didn’t you just say so?” Brian grins and makes like he’s going to strip his shirt off.

Unfortunately, they aren’t alone. Not even close.

“Brian,” Lindsay warns gently.

 _“Brian,”_ Mel scolds more severely, whilst narrowing her eyes at him. “Keep your shirt on and your hands off Justin. We have important matters to discuss.”

As Ben and Michael make their way into Mel’s study, right on time for the family meeting that’s been scheduled, Brian backs off reluctantly. He stays close, though, which may not please Mel but it certainly pleases Justin. He leans against Brian and continues sketching as Mel calls the meeting to order.

“We need to have a serious talk,” Mel announces solemnly, “About the Gus and J.R. situation.”

 _Situation._ She utters the word with such gravitas that Justin almost laughs out loud. It seems a little much, given that the impending discussion is about two small children.

“The situation has gotten out of hand,” Michael says, shaking his head, “And I, for one, am really tired of it.”

“We’re all tired of it,” Lindsay adds reassuringly. “We all know how frustrating it is.”

Justin glances sideways at Brian, who looks back with thinly veiled irritation. Unfortunately, the look they share doesn’t go unnoticed by Mel, who says sternly, “Before you two go siding with Gus-”

“God forbid,” Brian mutters.

Mel ignores him and continues, “Can you please hear us out?”

Even though the so-called ‘serious talk’ is only in its infancy, the room is already filled with tension. Fortunately, Ben eases some of it by saying calmly, “We all love these kids. We all want what’s best for both of them. It would be nice if we could talk about how to make that happen.”

Justin smiles a little at Ben, then shrugs at Mel. He looks over at Brian, who nods slightly. As the ‘serious talk’ resumes, Justin buries his head in his sketchbook. He continues working on his sketch of the window in Mel’s study, through which soft, warm light continues to flow.

“The sibling rivalry issue has gotten out of control,” Mel asserts. “We thought that Gus would adjust by now, but he’s still struggling to accept J.R.”

“Is he?” Brian arches an eyebrow and counters, “They were playing together this morning. They’re playing in his room right now.”

Michael instantly rounds on him and demands, “Do you have any idea how rare that is?”

With a scoff, Brian retorts, “Do you have any idea how dull it is to play with a toddler?”

“J.R. isn’t dull!” Michael throws his hands up. “Jeez, no wonder Gus treats her the way he does.”

Brian merely shrugs. “I don’t see why you’re getting all worked up. I didn’t say J.R. was dull, I said _toddlers_ were dull.”

“And I’m sure Brian would never say anything like that in Gus’ presence,” Lindsay interjects. She eyes Brian meaningfully. “Right?”

“Right,” Brian confirms.

On that note, the tension eases marginally. Once again, Brian leans over Justin and watches him sketch. Justin leans back into him and soaks up the warmth of Brian’s chest against his back. He starts sketching the trees visible through the window as the family meeting proceeds.

“Well, here’s the thing.” Mel leans forward in her chair and eyes everyone seriously. “It wasn’t such a big deal when J.R. was younger. But she’s getting to an age where she’s going to start noticing Gus’ behaviour.”

Keen for clarification, Justin looks up from his sketchbook and queries, “What behaviour?”

After a beat, Michael asks incredulously, “Is that a serious question?”

“Yes,” Justin says calmly. “I know Gus complains about her, but that’s mostly behind her back. He still plays with her and shows her affection.”

“This from the former poster child for sibling rivalry,” Michael mutters.

It’s a fair point. Justin shrugs and concedes, “Sure, I used to be a total brat where Molly was concerned.”

“You’re still a total brat,” Brian snickers, “Where _everything’s_ concerned – not just Molly.”

“Shut up,” Justin laughs, elbowing Brian lightly. He has to bite back a yelp as Brian retaliates by biting his neck playfully. “Anyway, I got over it. I just needed some time to adjust and accept that I was somebody’s big brother.”

“I think the issue here is that Gus has had ample time to ‘adjust’ and ‘accept’,” Lindsay says gently. “And yet he still complains about her and says things that come across very hurtfully.”

Predictably defensive, Brian demands, “Such as?”

Immediately, Michael starts reeling off a list of accusations that he ticks off on his fingers. “Such as calling her ‘dumb’ and ‘stupid’, claiming she’s ‘annoying’, saying he hates her, wishing she’d disappear, asking us to take her back to Pittsburgh – I could go on!”

“Well,” Brian drawls, “Why don’t we just take him out the back and shoot him?”

“Brian,” Mel snaps, “That’s not funny.”

Sensing that a fight is about to break out, Justin sets his pencil down and tries to smooth things over. “So what can we do about it? Does anybody have a solution in mind?”

He watches with intrigue as all eyes turn to Brian.

Lindsay smiles and explains, “We thought you could talk to him.”

“He listens to you,” Mel agrees, nodding encouragingly at Brian.

“He’s already heard it from the rest of us,” Michael adds.

Ben nods. “Gus obviously cares about your opinion, Brian. If you were to sit down with him and have a talk, it would probably help a lot.”

Though their reasoning is sound, Justin is irritated that they apparently haven’t done their homework. He pipes up and points out, “Brian already _does_ talk to Gus about it. We both do. If Gus says something mean about J.R., we call him out on it. We also encourage him to spend time with her.”

“It’s not just about the comments or the playing,” Mel says. “We think Gus needs to embrace his role as a big brother. We want you to explain that to him, Bri.”

Justin still isn’t convinced - it’s nothing that Gus hasn’t heard before. Brian seems similarly skeptical. “And what exactly am I supposed to say to the kid?”

With a surprisingly patient smile, Mel explains, “We want Gus to understand that as much as we respect that he doesn’t always enjoy J.R.’s company, that she’s his sister and that they’re family. His role as big brother should be to support her and guide her as she grows up, and to love her unconditionally. She’s his family, after all.”

Justin’s hand freezes. He glances over at Brian and isn’t at all surprised to see Brian rolling his eyes. In a deeply vitriolic tone, Brian repeats, “‘Unconditionally’, huh?”

Mel’s patience vanishes in a heartbeat.

“Is there a problem?” She asks flatly. It’s implicitly evident that she also means to say: _There’d better fucking not be._

Brian raises his hands in mock deference and forces a smile. “Only that there’s no way in hell I’m going to teach my son to love her – or anyone else – unconditionally.”

The silence that follows is utterly glacial. Justin is hesitant to keep sketching – the scrape of his pencil across the page sounds disturbingly loud amidst the tense quiet.

It’s soon broken by Michael crying, “How the hell can you say that?!”

“Seriously, Brian,” Mel sighs.

It’s on the tip of Justin’s tongue to snap back at both of them, but before he can Ben interjects calmly, “Hold up, guys - we should hear Brian out.”

“I agree.” Lindsay nods at Brian encouragingly. “Go on.”

With a deceptively placid smile, Brian leans forward and explains slowly and emphatically, “I refuse to put those kinds of ideas or that kind of pressure on my child. Gus shouldn’t feel obliged to love someone just because they’re family. Sure, I’ll talk to him about what it means to be a big brother – no problem. I sure as fuck won’t bully him into loving anybody – not even his little sister.”

There are a few more moments of incredulous silence that pass by very, very slowly. Justin is actually relieved to hear Michael break it with his lament: “You are unbelievable! They’re just children!” 

“What’s unbelievable,” Brian retorts coolly, “Is that you people seem to think it’s acceptable to force Gus’ hand.”

“Please, we’re not forcing his hand.” Mel scoffs and narrows her eyes at Brian. “We only want Gus to treat his little sister with love and respect. That’s not all that much to ask.”

“Ask away!” Brian shrugs. “Just keep ‘unconditional’ out of it.”

Michael sighs wearily and redirects his attention towards Justin. There’s pleading in his gaze – as soon as Justin sees it, he knows what Michael is about to say. Justin almost wants to warn him, but it’s too late for that – desperately, Michael demands, “Justin, say something!”

Brian turns and faces Justin with a huge, knowing grin. “Yes, Justin – say something. We would _love_ to hear your thoughts on this.”

Justin can’t resist the satisfied grin that’s plastered on Brian’s face. He smiles back at his fiendishly smug partner, then turns to face the group and announces, “I think the concept of ‘unconditional love’ is over-romanticised and extremely problematic. If you ask me, Gus and J.R. both deserve better than that.”

As Brian beams triumphantly, Mel drops her head into her hands. “Oh, for crying out loud.”

She’s not the only one who looks exasperated. Sighing, Lindsay droops back in her seat. Michael huffs and gives Justin a supremely disappointed look. Ben is the outlier of the group – he perks up and asks keenly, “What exactly do you mean by that?”

“Don’t get them started,” Mel warns wearily.

“No, I want to hear this.” Michael eyes both of them critically. “You two have been together for over six years. Are you seriously telling me that you don’t love each other unconditionally?”

“I don’t see how that factors in here,” Brian says, shooting Michael a look that’s equal parts bewildered and affronted.

“Brian and I know how we feel about each other,” Justin adds, touching Brian’s arm gently. He smiles as Brian hooks an arm around his shoulders and pulls him in a little closer.

“God save me,” Mel mutters. She draws in a breath, huffs it out, then asks in a clipped voice, “Would you care to share with the rest of us?”

 _Not really,_ is Justin’s instinctive response, only he doesn’t say it out loud. Brian, however, cares not for self-restraint: “Why the fuck would we do that?”

“Because this,” Mel gestures at the two of them, “Whatever you two might be calling it these days - it isn’t just about the two of you. Gus looks up to you and he pays attention to how the two of you interact. So I think I speak for everyone else in this room when I say that we would like to know what you two are going to be teaching the kid.”

Justin glances at Brian, who looks entirely displeased, then back at everyone else. It’s rather disconcerting – all eyes are pinned on him and the expectant expressions are pretty intense. He closes his sketchbook and goes to set it aside, but Brian intercepts him deftly. He takes the sketchbook and starts flipping through it idly, now looking totally disinterested in the disastrous family meeting.

Since Mel has a valid point (and since they’re all still staring at him with those creepy expectant expressions), Justin decides to face the music. He straightens up and says carefully, “I’m not comfortable with teaching Gus or J.R. to love ‘unconditionally’. I don’t think it’s realistic or healthy. The idea that we ought to love people unconditionally is absurd. I mean, take my father for instance – he’s technically family, but he’s done fuck all to deserve my love, let alone my unconditional love. Imagine if I thought I owed that to him – I might never have come out of the closet. I might never have met any of you.”

As he pauses to take a breath, Justin is relieved to see Mel soften a little. She nods at him encouragingly and he gladly continues. “You know who used to go on and on and _on_ about unconditional love? Ethan.”

“Ian,” Brian corrects with a smirk.

“Ian,” Justin amends, flashing a quick grin Brian’s way. “He loved waxing lyrical about how we loved each other unconditionally. I’m guessing he actually thought of it as insurance or a get-out-of-jail-free card. Luckily, I eventually saw through his bullshit and realised how fucked up that relationship was. I left because I had certain conditions about how I wanted to be treated and he wasn’t meeting them. He didn’t have the capacity. As soon as I was gone, Daphne spent an entire month drilling it into me: conditions, boundaries, rules, expectations – whatever you want to call them – they’re important. They’re valuable. I wouldn’t want to be without them. Fortunately, I’m not the only one that feels that way.”

Justin turns and gazes at Brian meaningfully. He forgets about everyone else for a moment and smiles at his partner. “As for you… you know damn well how I feel about you. I love all of you, completely, and I would never want to place restrictions on that. But you and I both know that we want each other to be happy. We also know that we wouldn’t want to sacrifice anything in order to be together. We’re together because we want to be and because this is us at our happiest. But if that ever changed, we’re free to go our separate ways. If I ever made you unhappy, I would never want you to tolerate it in the name of unconditional love. That’s bullshit. I don’t think that’s ‘love’ at all – I think it’s borderline delusional. A masquerade.”

He smiles as he watches pride flourish in Brian’s gaze. Justin presses one soft kiss to Brian’s lips, then turns back to the group and asserts, “Conditional love may not sound as romantic as its alternative, but if you ask me, it’s far superior. I don’t want to love blindly and limitlessly. I don’t want to teach Gus or J.R. to do that. I’ve been fortunate enough to learn to love consciously and I want them to have that experience, too.”

Justin is surprised when this is met with pure silence. He had been expecting to stop talking and be hit instantly with a barrage of queries and/or criticisms (well… mostly criticisms). Instead, everyone is completely quiet. Justin takes the chance to resume speaking and add, “I’d still like to teach them to be open and giving. They’re very loving kids and I want us to nurture that… but I’d also like them to learn to know themselves and love themselves, so that they can figure out what they need from their loved ones. I mean… absolute worst case scenario: Gus doesn’t get over this sibling rivalry thing. He holds onto his resentment of J.R. and he takes it out on her, which over the years results in her feeling alienated and wronged. Do we want J.R. to feel obliged to love Gus unconditionally? Or do we want her to have the awareness to realise that she deserves better, and the freedom to either request it from him or to move on?”

“That’s a fair point,” Ben says. “What’s your best case scenario?”

“The best case scenario is that Gus grows up and accepts the realities of being a big brother.” Justin pauses for a moment and thinks, then adds firmly, “But we need to give him time and space to do that on his own terms. I’m all for encouraging him but I won’t endorse pressuring the kid. He’s already been through so much and he’s not even out of the woods yet – he still struggles with separation anxiety.”

“Well, yeah,” Mel concedes. She looks as though she’s about to say something, but Justin isn’t done yet.

“And another thing,” he blurts out. “Has anybody noticed how Gus acts when he’s looking for attention or trying to get something out of us?”

He looks around at everyone, landing lastly on Brian, who supplies, “He pulls the whole puppy-dog-eyed, thumb-sucking routine.”

“Right.” Justin nods. “Has it occurred to anyone else that he’s literally mimicking a baby to get what he wants?”

Realisation dawns on Ben’s face. “He thinks that’s what he needs to do.”

“Because he’s seen all of us indulging J.R. and tending to her needs,” Justin says. “Except lately, we’ve been shutting him down when he tries that routine, so imagine how he must feel. I bet he’s frustrated as all hell.”

Cringing, Mel curses softly. Lindsay reaches over and they join hands. It clearly consoles Mel – she soon gathers herself and asks, “So what’s the game plan?”

“I think we all need to be more mindful about how we treat the kids,” Ben suggests, to which everyone voices their agreement.

“Maybe whenever we’re all together like this,” Michael says, “We can make sure we all have some one-on-one time with him.”

Nodding, Brian notes, “He’d love that.”

“I still think you should talk to Gus,” Lindsay says, looking at Brian imploringly. “As for what you say to him… well, that’s your call. I certainly can’t argue with anything Justin said. If you two want to teach Gus to love… _conditionally…”_

Since she still sounds hesitant, Justin jumps in and points out, “We wouldn’t teach him to be malicious about it. I’m not advocating for teaching Gus to be withholding or anything. I love how giving he is.”

Lindsay smiles at him with great warmth. “I know, honey. I trust you – _both_ of you.”

“Okay.” Mel claps her hands together. “So Brian will try and work with Gus on the sibling rivalry front, and the rest of us will work on making sure Gus feels equally appreciated. Sound good?”

As soon as everyone has offered their affirmation, Mel stands up and says hastily, “Now, we need to adjourn this meeting and go and check on the kids. They’ve been way too quiet for way too long.”

*

Later that night – _much_ later, after Brian, Justin and Michael have finished scrubbing the magic marker ‘tattoos’ off both Gus and J.R., who seem to find the situation hilarious and giggle all the way through bathtime – Justin finds himself curled up in bed with Brian, nestled snugly in his partner’s greedy embrace.

As Justin enjoys the security of Brian’s arms and the soft brush of warm breath against the back of his neck, he asks quietly, “You know what I meant, right?”

“I know what you meant,” Brian murmurs. He kisses the back of Justin’s neck. “As always, Daphne has taught you well.”

Nudging Brian gently, Justin points out, “You did, too.”

“That goes without saying.”

Justin chuckles at Brian’s smug tone. “Of course.”

He falls silent for a while and enjoys the contentedness that comes with all of this: being wrapped up in Brian’s arms, knowing that their kid is only on the other side of the wall instead of in a different country, and having so many family members so close by for once. Justin thinks back to the family meeting and almost laughs out loud as he recalls the reactions to his speech – the confusion, the horror, the outrage. He burrows deeper into Brian’s arms and asks in a whisper, “Do you ever get the feeling that we’re speaking an entirely different language to everyone else?”

“Sure,” Brian says, laughing a little. Sounding even smugger than before, he adds, “It’s a more evolved language.”

“Obviously,” Justin teases, laughing softly. His laughter stutters when Brian starts kissing his neck again; he closes his eyes and savours the sensation. “I meant what I said. I love you – all of you, completely, and I won’t ever place conditions on that. I know that I’ll always love you.”

“Mmm,” Brian murmurs, nuzzling Justin’s neck sweetly.

“But as for our relationship…” Justin takes Brian’s left hand in his hand and holds it tight. “I think that should be conditional. I don’t ever want either one of us to feel obliged to stick around. I wouldn’t want us to feel forced to put up with something that doesn’t make us happy. I love that we’re here right now because we both want to be – I’m proud of that. I’m proud of us.”

He smiles as Brian hugs him closer. With a contented sigh, Brian whispers, “Same here, Sunshine.”

There’s so much warmth in his voice; it flows through Justin, singing to him. He eases further back into Brian’s wonderful embrace and lets it all wash over him: the comfort brought by Brian’s closeness, the joy sourced from the warmth in his voice, the pride that they both feel in their relationship.

As Justin revels in it all, he smiles to himself. It’s a smile that stays with him as they both lull happily off to sleep.

 **The End**  


End file.
